I don't suppose anyone would be reading this anymore since I've sort of abandoned Deviantart... Well, not completely. ^ ^;





It's been a while since I've written anything worthwhile in my journal entries. It's so hard to go back to the way things once were. Never the less, Deviantart would always be a special place for me since this is where I found the most important thing in my life and the person that I love.

Lately my life has been... I can't even begin to describe it. Ever since I got my job, things in my life have been a little more complicated yet simple at the same time. Its pretty scary. I kept living my life day in and day out, wanting everything to be over soon. I have little self worth left and my only escape is the internet. It's been a while since I've contacted any of my irl friends. I feel like I've been living under a microscope, where my every move is easily seen as a mistake. Living under the 'tutelage' of my father is not the best place to be. I don't feel like I'm growing. I feel choked and stuck in my current predicament. I'm seen as nothing more than a useless display.

I never wanted this job in the first place. I wasn't ready to have a job. Everyday when I go to my workplace, I could just feel everyone silently judging me. I just sit there, doing nothing all day. Nothing is expected of me. I'm not even allowed to answer any calls. I hardly know what's going on because nobody really tells me anything. I'm just paid to sit there and do nothing... and I don't feel like I learn anything at all. I was only placed in this high position so that my parents can have the money from it. I don't even get to see a single cent from my salary. My mom has control of my bank account and never have I withdrawn money from it.

My boss is my father. My own father. Whenever I'm with him, my every move always seems enrage him. I can't do anything without him knowing. He always has to be the one to tell me what to do. He tells me I'm not allowed to mingle with the other staff members and yet he's expecting me to know every single one of them. And I am constantly being told how stupid, weak and useless I am because I don't really do anything... when in the first place, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do because he doesn't tell me anything.

Nobody ever tells me anything.

I am just... fed up with my current situation. I'm supposed to enroll again so that I could finish my thesis but... I still haven't. And do you know why? It's cuz I'm still in debt and I haven't gotten around to pay for it. My father doesn't know about it. If he knew he would practically disown me. I've never graduated.

I feel like such a huge failure who has no direction in life. I feel like I'm trapped. I'm getting sicker each day and my health is deteriorating. I'm getting stomach and internal complications and I've been under medication for months.

Worst of all, the person whom I thought would be the one who could sympathize with me doesn't seem to care at all. I think we've been drifting apart. I feel like he's been avoiding me... and the scary part is, everyday I'm thinking about him less and less. To think that he's the reason for my motivation to live on each day. He fails to understand that I need emotional support for all this. But each time... he doesn't really see how much I'm actually suffering. I just want for him to at least understand. I keep telling myself to be patient with him because he's younger than me. But the thing is, he's already my age when we started this relationship. So isn't he supposed to be mature enough to understand what I'm going through? All I want is to see a little initiative from him... I've never stopped hoping and praying for that day that he would.

I've never felt so alone in my life.

How pathetic is this that I've never told anyone of these problems because I know no one could ever understand them. I know no one could really help me out of it. But seriously, I just need someone to listen to me, someone I could easily talk to because I've been keeping everything inside.

*sigh* The only thing I could do now is to write about it, knowing that no one would actually read this.

I just want to end it all.